"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
I'd rather just not need to mourn and not need the comfort, thanks.
It doesn't make sense. It definitely doesn't feel like I'm "blessed."
Well, I guess it does in some ways. I've been so blessed as I've seen You love and comfort us through people. Through anonymous gifts. Through unexpected insurance policies. Through sweet notes. Through long embraces. Through conversation. Through sitting with me, making sure I'm never alone, like you promised.
Those things have been a comfort, yes. But none of it is comfort enough.
I don't know if I know how to mourn. I'm not good at displaying brokenness or neediness, as You know. I want people to think I have things under control.
I want to be the one who helps, who comforts, who welcomes, who leads.
I don't want to be the one who needs, who seeks comfort, who imposes, who seems to fall behind.
But maybe I'm thinking about everything backwards. Maybe my values are skewed. Because You said "Blessed are those who mourn," which turns upside-down all the values I had.
You said that needy, hungry ones will be filled.
You said that those who seek will find.
You said those who knock will have the door opened.
You said that the last will be first.
So to mourn, to begin to let my inner emotions and outer countenance live in harmony, means believing You. Believing that You will comfort, believing Your opinion matters more than anyone else's.
I feel so comfortable coming directly to You with my heart, letting You see the best and the worst, because I know You already see and love me completely. I so eagerly seek You because I know I will find love.
But this week, I felt like you reminded me that much much more of Your love comes through people. And you told me that I need to seek out people in the same way I would seek out You.
Yikes. I get it. But I don't know if I'm there yet.
But I'm getting there, step by step. Each decision to let out a tear is a decision to believe that "Blessed are those who mourn." Each request, each spoken need, each honest conversation, each knock on another's door is a step toward seeking You in other people.
Still, more often than not, I succumb to the fear of not being comforted, and so I stuff emotions, don't speak up, or don't seek others out to share my burden with, because what if they don't want my burden? Or what if they realize after a while that my burden is heavy on them too, and they resent it? What if it just results in more pain?
That's when you tell me to trust: trust You, and trust others who have You inside them.
Now I understand why You had to seek us first; there's no way we would have believed You really love us unless You sought us out.
Thank You for coming and finding me. Thank you for teaching me that I can trust You. Help me to really believe that "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."