I've always been told that you can find any emotion in the Psalms, and I'm sure that's true. But I've had a hard time finding psalms that match where I'm at right now. I'm not angry at God, I don't feel abandoned or alone, I just want... I just want. I'm not sure what. Dad back, probably. And just for this world to not be so broken. But I love my Father in heaven, even as I am bewildered here on earth. I couldn't find quite the right psalm or even many songs to sing. So I talked with a friend, and decided to try writing my own. I waited for two or three weeks, waiting for it to come, praying for it, listening for it, and this week it came. And it has helped me, given me words to pray when I didn't know what to pray. Maybe it will help you, or maybe you can write one too.
still - a psalm
I have fallen, fallen on a firm foundation.
Oh Father, still I know you,
Still I trust you,
Still I love you.
Still I am torn and tattered by the fall.
You have taught me who you are.
You are my comfort;
be my comfort.
You are my strength;
be my strength.
You are my hope;
be my hope.
You are my voice;
be my voice.
Find the depths of my soul and bring it to my eyes.
Teach me to know myself so I can bring myself to you.
Why do I still hold on to control?
Why do I still live like I am God?
Layer after layer, Father, you know.
Deep, deep down I don't want this anymore, I don't want to learn the hard way.
But deeper still I want you more than anything; still, even knowing how much it hurts, I would lose everything to gain you.
Oh but Father, there are some prayers I wish you did not hear.
But you hear. Oh Hearer of prayer, you are my lifeline; without you I am lost.
But with you I am still.
Still, because my mind flies in all directions at once, and you are with me in the tension in the middle.
Still, as my mind preaches to my heart that you are good.
Still, waiting for your voice, your caress, your embrace. Knowing you come.
I ask for results, not reasons.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
This isn't supposed to happen.
And you are not distant, you are not ambivalent, you are not stoic.
You are the one who chases me with goodness and love.
You are the one who weeps, who stores my every tear.
You are the one who gave me hope before I ever knew how much I would need it.
You are the one who makes all things new; oh Father, when will you make me new?