A week after writing my previous post, I'm starting to understand God's theme of "trust" for my year.
We were getting close to seeing finances come together for the final payment of this school year. I was working 16 hours a week on campus, and bumping up those hours and/or adding on another job would really help close the money gap. I went in a talked to the hiring manager about the possibility of increasing hours, and in that meeting she told me that there had been a misunderstanding: the student maximum is 10 hours a week, so I'd have to cut back, not increase.
It seems kind of only semi-significant when I type it up like this. But I felt tears filling my eyes in that meeting. She saw it too, and we ended the conversation as soon as possible. I went downstairs into the corner of the underground parking lot and let the tears flow.
I didn't really know what I was crying about more: that I'd lost nearly half of my hours, or that my trust in God was clearly so fragile. If you know me, you know I don't get outwardly emotional a whole lot. And if you read my last post, you know that I generally consider myself to be someone who trusts God a lot. I don't feel like I get stressed much, and I always assumed that it was just because I trusted God. That's what I thought, at least. But this emotional, deep reaction to losing something I thought I could depend on... it seemed to say something different.
Down in the parking lot, trying to regain myself, I pulled out the little piece of paper in my pocket that I'd written a verse on that morning. It was Psalm 9:10: "And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You." That morning, I had felt there was something significant about that verse for that day. Now I knew why. Those who know Your name. What is His name? I thought back to one of my favorite passages in the whole Bible, where God says His name. Exodus 34:6-7: "
Knowing that "name," essentially knowing who God is, provides the foundation for trust. That's why Psalm 9 said that those who know His name put their trust in Him. Because only when you know that God is trustworthy can you trust Him. And that's what I preached to myself down their in the parking lot. I know His name. I know He is trustworthy.
So Tuesday, I realized that I don't trust God quite like I thought I did. And that's good. That's like getting to rock bottom so that we can start re-building something solid.
Over the next few days, God brought me to several different verses. On Wednesday, it was Psalm 13:5-6. "But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD because He has dealt bountifully with me." Yesterday it was from Psalm 16, "I will be unto you a sure foundation."
So this is a step in the process. And maybe you're walking through the same process. We can walk in the foundation of who He is, knowing that He is trustworthy. We can walk through this process knowing that He will be our sure foundation.
I'm looking for more work. I have a resume in at the cafeteria, and if that doesn't work, maybe I'll look at some places in the nearby town. I'd love to get an email tomorrow that I'm hired at the cafeteria. But maybe this whole thing will be different than I'd imagined. It might be hard, and I might not react the way I expected. But I know I'm with Him. He's in me. And we're walking together. I will trust in You!